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本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2017-9-19 17:56 编辑
Yike 发表于 2017-9-19 02:59 
非常感谢。
这篇文章写的很好。很有节奏，有童趣，也没发现什么语法错误。
需要改进的地方：
-- 提高故事的逻辑性，以增加可信度
-- 适当添加描述，以增加现场感
下面是在原文基础上，我修改的另一版本。可以让小孩对照着看，找出不同的地方进行讨论学习。
One day I went to Mt Everest
On the day I woke up early. I wondered why I was up so early. I blinked. I remembered. Yes, I was going to Mt Everest with Mum and Dad!
I jumped out of bed, ran down, woke up Mum and Dad. Shortly afterwards we set out for Mt Everest.
We travelled by train, and then bus. We also rode camels. When we arrived at the bottom of Mt Everest, the sun was still on the edge. The mountain was big and high, bursting with snow. It looked so white that my eyes hurt. A few feet away we saw a supplies shop. After we had bought our supplies, we got ready. Then we shouldered our backpacks, and with a torch and a stick in our hands, we began climbing the Everest.
It was getting dark. Our torches led our way up the mountain. Very excited, I always advanced some way ahead of Mum and Dad. After an hour, a BEAR came out of nowhere. It stood right in front of me. It was brown and very big, nearly as big as an elephant. Staring at me, its eyes shone like ghost. I was scared to death. How should I get out of this? Am I going to die? … Just then, I remembered that I had a rope in my backpack. I moved quickly and hid behind a large rock. I laid down my backpack and from it I pulled out the rope. I tied a knot and waited until the bear came close. As soon as it was around the corner I threw out the rope and lassoed the bear around its neck. Thank goodness, I caught him! The bear was roaring and struggled, while I tied the rope fast around the rock.
I was safe!
Mum and Dad rushed up to the scene. They couldn’t believe their eyes. They had never been so proud of me!
Leaving the bear behind, we went on with our journey. I promised Mum and Dad I would not run away from them. It was dangerous, they said. Just then, I stumbled in a hole. Luckily, I had the rope tied around my waist. With it Dad pulled me up. We kept on climbing. When we got tired, we called for mountain wolves with a special language. Three wolves answered our call. They let us ride on their backs. Then suddenly, a pair of claws grabbed my shoulders. I yelled to my wolf and he understood my order. He turned and jumped at the gull, while I was holding tight onto his back. In a minute the gull was eaten.
Our wolf ride went on and on, until we were five meters away from the top of Mt Everest. Though very tired, hardly able to breathe, we got down from the backs of the wolves. Then, inch by inch we climbed toward the summit.
Our flag was at last planted. We were on the top of the world!
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女儿学画画 (2009-8-19) 诺诺妈咪 
楼主:洋八路
发表于 2016-12-19 00:03
